idag har jag typ för första gången i mitt liv anmält mig till att frivilligt springa ett lopp i Malmö i maj. Colour obstacle rush. Jag som aldrig brukar springa utan bara promenera..  men när man är vilsen i livet behöver man ett mål att sträva mot.. så nu gäller det bara att komma igång och träna när förkylningen börjat släppa.. i övrigt är livet märkligt. att  det  blivit en djungel att försöka bara börja kommunicera med en seriös man som jag gillar.. ödet är inte riktigt på min sida där.  men fokusen får väl bli på att försöka komma iväg på en kort resa istället.. behöver få miljöombyte och få se mer delar av världen sedan får det antingen bli en tripp utomlands eller checka läget med någon kompis och hälsa på istället..  over and out from hbg

jag är en tänkare och ibland  lite för mycket grubblare.. livet tar sig olika håll för oss alla.

 för några veckor sedan stod mitt jobb mig upp i halsen och relationer/ chatt med veliga män. Min längtan för att fly och realisera en många år gammal dröm att få se Mona Lisa i verkligheten.

My dream has been there for so many years so  I kind of doubted I would make it happen ever in my life. Finally 16th of April I decided I must turn my dream to reality and started looking at hotels and flights what a jungle.. But finally int he evening i after lots of discussions with my brother I decided to Book flights wednesday 18 of april until very early  saturday 21 of April. and the Hotel Ascot Opera became my choice of staying.

I was scared of simple things like how i should find my way from the airport to the hotel . This was my first singletrip abroad since i went as an aupair 1995. All the other trips have been with family or friends..  The  wednesday came and for once i didnt go so extra early as i often do before doing a trip.. I met a nice woman that were Irish and her wonderful daughter who were on their way to visit relatives in Limerick Ireland.. She made excuse many times for her special daughter that had an alcoholrelated deficit/ damage of brain since she was originally born in Russia but they had adopted her from there. well no matter what she said her daughter was glowing of energy.. And since i know i have 2 special kids with lots of energy i wasnt surprised by her behaviour or angry by it.. I have a son with adhd and a bit of autism. well thanks to her the ride went quite fast even of course the train had a bit of problems on the way to copenhagen,just before Lund..  Even started to look at reservflights but could change train in malmö and were there in time.. Finally sat on the airplane from Copenhagen and I was on my way to Paris. Gosh Charles de Gaulle so enormous airport.. Felt so strange to arrive there and see the soldiers with automatic rifles.. for a moment I thought i was in a bad american movie..Then I realised this is the way a capital of France had to meet the threats of terrorisms. Well Now it was time to find my way to the hotel.. Google maps thank you.. but trains strike no thank you.. well of course it was a strike then.. but some trains went and i made it to la gare du nord the north trainstation of paris.. funny was the people i met on the train.. i was nervous since i found out this train ddidnt went as far as i wanted and some metros didnt go from there.. a real for me typical sterotype of frenchwoman with dark coloured hairand really red lips asked me de quelle arrondissement tu va?  and i like what.. had forgot to check in which quarters/ parts of Paris my hotel was situated... She just looked at me as i was stupid.. so different point of reality.. well when i arrived at la gare du nord i did likei often do an impulsive decision and decided to walk to the hotel. The reason was that according to googlemaps it should only take 30 minutes but it took at least 1 hour since i kind of took the wrong turn some times and had 2 big bags 2 pull after me.. The weather was warm and wonderful..  So when I finally arrived at the hotel i was totally sweaty.. complained in the reception of the trainstrike lead to an upgrade of the room to a bygger room.. I just say bigger room must be a special definition in large cities... well It was a nice and clean room and nice bathroom.. I took a quick shower and time 2 sightseeing Paris started.. I decided to go towards sacre coeur. Found some nice strawberries and icecream on my way there and another beautiful church.. Well after visiting that church my walk continued and finally I arriwed at those long stairs..  just before that a salesman did the touristic tric and tied a start of a bracelet on my finger and soon had tied at my wrist so i didnt know how to get it off.. ended up buying it..  should give luck according to him who knows.. So beautiful church.. went up all the stairs and went in the church just after taking lots of photos outside.. such an amazing view from ther over the city of Paris.. the church was also very beautiful just wished i could have taken photos on it..

well on my way down i met a swedish couple by an accident at the irish pub on my way down.. i just sat down at a table i thought was free. well a woman said they were sitting there think they just had been inside ordering drinks but that there were room for me.. after talking a little i noticed their accent of english and asked if they were swedish.. and they were.. Became a long nice talk with them and the young couple next to us.. and at the same time there was a young beautiful man singing and playing his guitar.  I enjoyed a good drink and beautiful music and good company. Well went back to my hotel and a visit to a groceryshop because i had forgotten to eat a bit except a little croque moniseur after i left hotel for my first walk.. well back to the hotel i ate and then quite soon fell asleep from all fatigue.

Next morning my first breakfast at a cafe but didnt take the pastry instead 2 whitebread sandwhiches with jam.. Then it was time to h´go to the louvren to finally see mona lisa.. on my way there i passed the jardin de toulieres. such beautiful parc..  well made it to louvren and stood in line to get in.. the bracelet must have brought me some luck because there wre hardly any queu. so my first focus was 2 see mona lisa the gioconda.. so enormous this museum.. but when i finally saw the painting it was so worth it. so beautiful.. and all these other large magnificent paintings... so muh positive energy around there.. well stayed at painting departments quite long before i took something to eat. It was a hot and beautiful day so it was nice to sit out on the balcony and eat. well after that time to see sculptures but so many that i kind of gave up but at least found my way to see venus de milo.. I just say it takelots of time if you want tovisit the museum... ended up in the giftshop and found that unicorn that so said Johanna, that is a perfect present for my daughter who has her birthday 22nd of april.. well found some other stuff there one of them the louvre version of monopoly.

well some more shops and i went back to the hotel. my thoughts were whirling what to do more but was 2 tired... felt a bit lonly knowing i i need to eat out bymyself..

ended up me starting a new account at badoo a dating sight.. well some shallow conversations.. went out to eat at a restaurant and then returned.. ended up at badoo again where suddenly this nice guy started talking to me.. we ended up start talking at skype until 245 in the morning.. funny and childish like me sticking out his tongue to comment some stuff i said.. it was such a difference from all thehorny cold men in Sweden.. well we decided to take a dinner next day after he had ended his work as he said he was an policeofficer.. I remember I made jokes about that he was saying that just to show off and probably worked as something else. wellFriday came and i was so tired but this was going to be my final whole day in Paris and so much 2 see.. Well a visit to an american  coffeshop and then off to see the eiffeltower.. well noticed there are more 2 see on the way so went through jardin de touilieres and finally saw the great obelisque.. and later on the Eiffeltower. had luck with queu again.. but those stairs just saying it my legs were aching after lots of walking already.. since i chose towalk instead of using the metro.. well after seeing the wonderful view from the eiffeltower i chose to go for champs elysee... well some small stops i kind of needed to do needed to see the arc of triumphe.. beautiful even if i never went so close to see the eternal flame.. well after that it was time for some shopping.. well mostly to see and not buy.. a dream came true and i went inside of louis vuittonshop. found a really nice watch just 2300 euro..  said to the seller i would return later.. didnt my wallet didnt allow that..

well a big thing was that friday to the memory of a policeofficer that had died the year before soone couldnt pass the street without finding metrotunnels.. well ended up at both zara and hm and found some knickers at least.. the dress i liked at Zara stayed there..

well time had passed quickly and it was getting close to the time i was supposed to meet the cute frenchman. well since my legs were quite tired i finally took the metro some stations.. ended up in another dress store on my way to the hotel so was a bit late to meeting him.. he got to wait for me 2 take a shower first.. There he was outside the hotel a short unknown guy.. short lol just 1 cm shorter than me though.. well we said hello and went to the restaurant. but strange. i felt as i already knew him.. i believe he took my hand already then.. it was so warm and felt healing. we discussed where to eat and finally ended up at an mexican restaurant. This was just planned as a dinner with a friend to avoid eating out alone.. But man I hade the feeling I should avoid looking into his eyes..but I couldnt..  His eyes and smile were so beautiful. so strange it just clicked. I had such a nice time at the restaurant with him lots of talking, laughing and yes kissing. a long time since I had such great kisses. so natural and so emotional.. Ikind of wanted to stop time.. well time didnt stop.. we walked back to my hotel and i got a strange cramp in my side of my body.. felt like an old lady who could  just walk very slowly. i felt a bit embarrassed but he was gentle and helped me all the way back to the hotel. embarrassing to say when we ended up at the hotelroom that i needed to lay down because of the cramp.. lol there was i with a stranger that i felt like i had known him for so long... lol yes we ended up in bed and had amazing sex. he was such a gentle lover..  my thoughts had wandered was this a stupid decision to do another mark in the bedpost.. but the answer is NO. He showed me what I was looking for. im always looking for faults at men and although i knew his teeth werent straighth and he was short and so on... He was so beautiful man and soul, so complete... well the night he had to catch his train and i kind of wished i didnt have to go home the next day.....

thought first we probably would never talk again but for the first 2 weeks gosh. cutie he made me believe it was possible.. but all my friends pulled me down and when his energy got down and i was supposed to feed him back... i did it the totally wrong way, because i was frustrated of him being far away.. hard time 2 get time 2 speak on phone and so on.. well last week 14th of may he went for a date with a friend which lived close by... he let me know the day after they were going to try for an relationship.... my heart felt crushed I realised really then that it wasnt just empty words i had said to him. now i had really fallen deaply in love with him.. i wanted to solve things already before but didnt dared to tell how many ideas there were in my head because it felt like he postponed our meeting again until he got his own appartment...... yes of course just like me falling in love in the impossible.. but baby you made me believe it is possible... I know that you probably already are in deep love with her since you have known her for long but it really dosent matter baby I still love you and wish we could meet once again.. I wish I could fight against her but I know baby I Cant because i never ever want to hurt you. Strange 2 feel so much just meeting once... well baby I hope when your love bubbles calm down that i can be your friend at least . because this feeling is still that I want you to be a  part of my life and I want to be there for you as an supporting friend at least... Because baby no matter what i want to see you happy in life. lol even if i wish you hadnt stopped me so i at least could have visitied you once more in france ;)

so this text is 2 show that sometimes it just happens but one should listen to ones heart and not all negative comments from friends... well I hope in the future I will meet someone likeyou again because then i could believe it can be love for the rest of my life. because after meeting you i dont want the second best i want you or someone as amazing as you.

thank you for meeting me that friday in Paris and opening my heart for love again.. even if i feel like just closing it behind some very strong locks i shall not... you have showed me that some things are worth waiting for.. you are certainly that and i understand why she caught you.  So baby mon viande de mouton dans mon coeur toujours even if the memories will fade away when time passe by my body soul and heart are glad that they met and felt you.

So baby you can ignore me for the rest of your life if it feels simpler for you but it hurts my heart 2 see that... because even as a friend i want to see your beautiful smile again and at least make you laugh through conversations again even if i do believe she is good at that 2 i want to be a little part of your life. hope 2 talk 2 you again baby

and baby I´m glad that you made me dare to use the l word again...

Årets  ålderskris grej  blev ju faktiskt  riktigt  fint  när det  äntligen  läkte.. passade på  i våras att ta tag i en dröm om att  pierca mig  i naveln och  får säga att jag är riktigt  nöjd med  resultatet.  Tips på  ni som funderar över  att göra det  är att inte jobba med  barn precis  för de lyckas  krocka  där hela tiden 😂😂.   

jag har känt mig lat och slö sista tiden som inte orkar lika mycket som alla er andra som joggar och gymmar men har bara hostat och snörvlat ju.. lite förkylning som av någon anledning bara fortsatte.. efter lite push från brorsan så uppsökte jag vårdcentralen idag.. togs en snabb sänka... normal värde på frisk människa är max 5   och jag låg på typ 170... läkaren skrev ut pencillin mot lunginflammation.. tjoho.... dottern hittade på tokigheter så grannen ringde på och påpekade att man inte ska kladda på bänkar.. jaja mitt i alltihopa är jag i ett telefonsamtal med en som jag bar vill ha som vän men han vill ha mer...försökt upplysa det hur många gånger som helst..

knäppt nog flöt mina tankar iväg till en person som berört mitt hjärta mer än vad han trodde.. surfade in på hans blogg och läste hans vackert skrivna inlägg.. såg dock att han fortfarande mött fel kvinnor.. kände ännu starkare att jag önskar att jag kunde heala honom för han är vär det bästa.. jag var inte där och redo när vi möttes då för några år sedan..  men nu spelar det ingen roll jag måste lägga fokusen på att bli hel och orka mer att utvecklas.. kikat på danskurs inför hösten.. men längtar oxå iväg att se nya platser i världen.. drömresan är ju nya zealand och i sagan om ringens spår..

mer realistiska är väl barcelona, Paris och London.. mer musikal i london vill jag uppleva iallafall.- behöver nog oxå se hur jag kan utveckla min kreativa sida och min nyfikenhet för andlighet.. finns så mycket mer men gäller att hitta var jag ska börja.. hade nog behövt en vägledare ibland..

en positiv sak var iallafall att spolbilen kom hitoch fixade stoppet.. jag kände mig dock betraktad av hantverkaren som att han ville göra mer än spola rören.. säkert bara min livliga fantasi som spökade idag..

så vilka steg ska man ta och var skall man börja.. kanske en lista med planer och vad jag vill se på de resor jag vill göra så jag kan motivera mig att fixa ett mer välbetalt jobb.. men ikväll hade jag nog mest behövt en klapp på axeln och en röst som säger att allting kommer lösa sig och gå bra..

så mycket händer i livet hela tiden.. möter människor som lovar att vara där men försvinner för livet tar sig en annan väg. fick ord skickade som berörde mig idag och triggade igång min hjärna att få ner lite av mina tankar på detta virtuella pappret.

så här kommer den iallafall

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jag skrev till dig fast jag inte borde

jag lät män röra vid mig som jag aldrig borde haft i närheten av mig

för längtan efter beröring var så stark inombords

och längtan efter att få bli "desired"

men att få beröring och sex utan ord blir kallt i längden

när man bara ska ge utan att få så mycket tillbaka

jodå fysisk njutning

men det mentala då

när ska det triggas

kan inte bara vara vänner som ska göra det

varför så mycket rädslor och feghet hos män

för att en kvinna ska känna något för dem

att vara trasig tär på energin och själen

jag vill bli hel

och få vara hel tillsammans med någon

få skratta

få njuta

stötta varandra

älska varandra

många vill ha skalet

få vill ha insidan

en leksak för en kväll men inte mer

så vilsen

så ont

men jag såg glädjen hos min väninna igår

den glädje jag strävar efter

jag har bitar som saknas

men jag ska nå dit

även om jag kommer fälla många tårar på vägen

det gör ont jag gråter

jag önskar att den stöttande handen fanns där

men denna gången

så är det bara jag

som finns där

för det är ju bara jag

som kan finna ro i min själ

genom  att finna vägar att heala mig själv

genom dans

musik

att återigen skapa

men riv inte ner mina murar

om du inte vill bygga upp dem tillsammans med mig

längtar efter att bli älskad

berörd

och någon som längtar efter mig

så enkelt

men ändå så svårt

tacksam för de vänner jag har

men resan nu kommer bli lång och svår

och göra jävligt ont än en gång

men jag ska stå där i solen

och återigen skina

och känna

skratta

dansa

skapa

helt enkelt vara det naturväsen som jag är

som just nu är vilsen i denna kalla karga värld

som jag vet

även kan vara varm och kärleksfull

så

små små steg

och någon piruett

så kommer jag trots allt nå dit

även om det just nu känns omöjligt

så är ingenting omöjligt

på vägen är det dags att leva

besöka platser jag sett på ett annat sätt innan

se nya platser i världen

våga ta språnget

leva andas

vara här och nu

tills den dagen

då mitt hjärta får släppa in dig igen

du som finns där ute

men är dold

för mina ögon just nu

för jag är tydligen inte där

än

där jag borde ha varit

om inte alla stormar hade kastat runt mig i livet så mycket

för att

jag av någon anledning

har läxor att lära

platser att se

människor jag måste möta och förlora

för att den dagen våga

stanna

säga hej

det är faktiskt dig

ja just dig som jag vill ha i mitt liv och få älska med hela mitt hjärta

Tycker att det är  komiskt att  en av mina grannar som  jag  trodde hade lugnat ner sig angående  klagande  på mina barn ljud  när jag  lade ut på fb angående störande  musik mitt i natten.  . Men  hög musik  0120 tycker jag är skillnad  än 21 på fredag kväll.. Så ja man kan aldrig vara  alla till  lags. Konstigt att det  inte  störde hennes dotter  att spela  musik  mitt i natten..... hon har  klagat  mer än pensionärer  i trappan..  morr.  Så nu fick jag  ur mig  en del  iallafall. 

Att inte  få luta sig mot  någon och lita på att personen  kommer  finnas  kvar  i  mitt liv  det gör ont.  Just nu  känner jag mig  trasig och  hade behövt  healing.. men den vägen får  jag  vandra själv.  Svårt  när man har  svårt för att  pusha  sig själv  framåt  hela tiden.  Att helst  inte  beröra någon  av rädsla för att  inte  räcka till  eller  såra. Men oxå  att inte  få låta sig bli berörd av  fel  person 

En bas att bygga upp  sitt liv  på är inte  alltid så lätt att  skapa.  Alla  runtomkring  tänker så  olikt mig.  Jag  inser att  fokus  måste vara  på mig och ungarna.. att fixa  nytt jobb och  få råd att  resa.  Att tro att  någon jag  gillar  ska  vilja  samma sak som jag är inte  att räkna med  just nu.  Jag  behöver  vara  stark och  våga  stå på  mig.  Trött på att  alltid  bli styrd och inte  få som jag  vill.  Nu är det  min tur att  få  vara  lycklig och  njuta av livet.  Jag vill inte  behöva  backa hela tiden och  bromsa.... jag  behöver  någon som kan ta  mig  som jag är...